When "rescuing" backfires

It took some time in my life to fully appreciate that rescuing is a poor and dangerous substitute for caregiving.

One area I finally discovered about myself was the picking up of other people's grievances. Three occasions immediately come to mind where in picking up another person's grievance I didn't serve them and only harmed myself and other relationships important to me in the process.

The sharing of one such occasion will suffice to make the point. I had been invited to participate in a women's evening at a local Baptist church outreach and was really looking forward to it. The minister's wife rang me during the week to ensure I was on target for this and then the evening came. I knew the women who came would enjoy the material I had put together.

It was a good time with lot of laughter and take home truths, until over the supper refreshments, when one of the women who came pinned me in a corner and shared her view that the church had not met her pastoral needs faithfully over the past few years. She certainly looked very needy and this of course will always have a tug on my heart as I am highly motivated in the pastoral area.

Towards the end of the evening I got to chat with Alice (not real name), the minister's wife who had originally invited me, about the lady who had spoken to me. I clearly came across as suggesting I wondered if there had been some deficit in her pastoral care. Of course, in reality, I had no idea how much pastoral energy had been put out in her direction already. Maybe she was just "hard work." I spoke out of turn.

It was noticeable how my relationship came under some strain after this and never quite got back on track with Alice.

Lesson: no matter how good an evening has gone, or the extent of the Spirit's blessing, I am still vulnerable if I am an easy "rescuer" who gets hooked by someone's seemingly not having been fully looked after. And all this when I am coming from a place of ignorance.

A new song

One day I sat with my bible before me and I was reading from Psalm 15. David describes the character of the person who may abide in the Lord's sanctuary and dwell on His holy hill. Some things are mentioned there one might expect to find > he walks uprightly > he doesn't backbite with his tongue > he honours those who fear the Lord > he hates that which is evil > he doesn't lend at interest > he doesn't make false promises > he doesn't take bribes and show partiality against the innocent. Here's one that's interesting (verse 4) > he doesn't take up a reproach against his friend.

Here is something that Scripture is clear about. Not to take up another's reproach, not to carry another's reproach. I think this is good as a general principle but in all the cases I am thinking about, I took up the reproach against a friend, just what David talks about, and it caused some relational damage.

What I am learning is I don't have all the facts.
There is invariably another side.

Proverbs 18:17 should be held at the forefront: "The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him."

This is especially important when my relationship with the offended party has been a five minute wonder and my relationship with my friend is long and established.

A further aspect to this is that while Scripture sanctions our taking up the cause of the powerless (the unborn, the disadvantaged, the battered wife), the more general principle is Galatians 6:5 – "For each one shall bear his own load." We have responsibility when offended for example to approach the person or church from whom we feel we have sustained the hurt under Matthew 18 guidelines. To take personal responsibility for another's reproach does not have biblical support and only lends itself to a false messiah view of the world.

What learnings I have had in this!