Fathering

What do our young children remember most clearly about us?

I was highly excited when I came home from the elders' meeting. I had just been invited to join the ranks. I certainly had the desire Paul speaks of (1 Timothy 3:1). Some of the other qualities that go with shepherding had come to the notice of the eldership, especially my visitation of the church family, usually in my own time.

This was nothing new. I enjoyed pastoral visitation. In my case, I had adopted the unusual practice (to some of my mates) of spending some of the days of my school holidays, off on my bike visiting some of the shut-ins on our church prayer list, much to their delight as well as my own.

The other love I had was that of teaching the Scriptures, which I had engaged in from a young age.

My only difficulty was my “blind spot.” My becoming an elder and attaining the status of father both came at a young age. I gave my eldership all I had and most weekends I was engaged all day Saturday preparing a message for preaching at some church or other (including my own) the following day.

At one stage we felt convinced as an eldership that we should visit every home in the church family. I was coupled with a retired elder, a widower, who relished this opportunity as it gave him something to look forward to in his day. What this meant was I felt “pushed” to go out with him at least two evenings a week, at the end of a taxing day in a high pressure secular job. Some of these weeks would coincide with when our elders meeting was also scheduled. I didn't have the heart to tell him this didn't really suit me.

An added pressure came from increased demands with business trips at work. Meanwhile, my life mate was hanging out for a bit of Wayne at home time, as she tripped over herself managing yet another day and often a night with three children under the age of four.

I look now at other young men in church leadership and see how they handle it. I see some taking the option to set aside a decade or more for raising their children while they are small, knowing that there are plenty of years ahead to enter the land of their desire (1 Timothy 3:1).

An event that hastened me towards my own changepoint came when our oldest daughter was in her first year at high school. At the time I was pastor of a medium to large church (by NZ standards). The class was asked to do a word association exercise in response to the word father. Her immediate response was the word telephone (this was a pre-mobile world). This cut me to the quick when I found out. She saw me as having my ear almost permanently glued to the telephone, available to scores of people outside the home, innumerable calls to and from my church elders, involvement in various church crises, calls which robbed time from family. My wife had had a word for it for years – preoccupied! This one event was sufficient to make me determined to turn this ship around in my life.

A new song

My changepoint came a little too late but the Lord very graciously added a fourth child to our family, sixteen years after the third. It felt like I got another run at the board.

Sadly, I couldn't replay those earlier years since learning the best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother, ie. take the burden off her, release her to some interest group once a week, help top her tank so that she can be a more effective mum.

The gift of our presence is the greatest thing we can bring our family

Perhaps, the greater teaching point the Spirit of God has gave me was this: Every child's image of Father God comes directly from their experience with their earthly father. If dad has been remote, they are likely to view their Heavenly Father as remote. If dad has sought to be available, interested in what interests them, they will more than likely see their Heavenly Father as close and available. The gift of our presence is the greatest thing we can bring our family, ahead of every Bible devotion, lecture, pep talk we can ever bring. The christian man out almost every night of the week doing “God's business” certainly doesn't cut it.

The new song means it's never too late to start.

Now when any of our extended family visit us at home or we them, the best gift I can give is for them to experience me present with them.

Remember this: kids spell love t-i-m-e.