God chose my profession for me – Part 1

I looked at my wife as I said my vows and it was as if I only saw her through a haze, a romantic hue if you like. She reported later she had the same experience. I was married to this lovely lady, and she had given herself to me. She too was glowing in anticipation as to our future together. We were so blessed!

Isn’t it amazing how subtly and easily the shine comes off, how small shifts take place almost imperceptibly at first, until one partner can end feeling completely overlooked. I wouldn’t have given credence to anyone who tried to tell me but over the months and first years of our marriage I slowly but surely had begun to take my wife for granted.

I was in the relationship but only looking after my own needs. This is still endemic in society today – men who want a wife but at their heart really want to go on living as singles.

I had always stood poised ready to make all the decisions that needed to be made. She knew where I stood politically and theologically, and there was no room to hold a differing opinion. I had not yet realised the cardinal principle of the married relationship. God did not design us to control each other, but to set each other free.

Much to my shame, I recall an afternoon in the first year of our marriage when my wife came home from a christian women’s conference. She couldn’t wait to share with me a new praise chorus she had learned:

Praise the Name of Jesus,
Praise the Name of Jesus.
He’s my Rock, He’s my Fortress, He’s my Deliverer.
In Him shall I trust.
Praise the Name of Jesus.
Roy Hicks Jr

A beautiful song of praise and one that was almost prophetic of the resources we would need in Jesus to get us through major personal health and church crises! Yet my reaction was very poor, and she undoubtedly felt very rejected.

I tried to analyse afterwards what was going on for me and can only put it to this: I needed to be the one to share a great new song, something good out of a book, a spiritual truth, a new idea. How impoverished that left me and how sad for her! The irony is I have come to love that song a long time since but robbed myself and her of the pleasure of my lovely wife introducing it to my soul.

Over time, we went from church to church, house to house, job to job with very little open discussion about these moves as true "joint heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7). My wife, my partner in life has shared with me since that in those early days of our relationship, she often felt “carried along in my wake.”

Meanwhile, many evenings I spent out servicing my needs, fulfilling eldership responsibilities, developing ministry opportunities, attending some home group bible study, singing in a music group, or just away on business, advancing my career. What of her needs? Her need to be released to pursue a hobby or enjoy some adult female company, as a vital break from the constant routine of small demanding children, or, simply to enjoy her husband at home sitting beside her in the early evening, growing and deepening our relationship.

A new song

One day, I read the classic Ephesians 5 passage on marriage through new eyes. The weight of the marriage verses (verses 21-31), a full five-sixths of the passage, is specifically directed towards husbands, not wives.

Let me share with you some of the salient points I discovered on my new adventure that have touched me personally. If we take the traditional view of headship, then John 13.3-5 paints a vivid picture for us of God’s heart. Knowing that the Father had placed everything in His Hands (all power and authority), He put on a servant’s apron, knelt down and began to wash the disciples’ feet. It is a picture of servant leadership.

The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to His church, not by domineering but by cherishing
Eugene Peterson on Ephesians 5:23

We know from Jesus’ own words anything less is not His style (Mark 10:42-44). Eugene Peterson gives verse 23 this way: “The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to His church, not by domineering but by cherishing” (The Message).

While it is true the Apostle Paul may mean the husband is the head of his wife in a hierarchical sense, the Greek word kephale Paul uses for  head can equally be interpreted as source or origin, the fountainhead¹; indeed, this is its sense in the majority of the ancient writings. Certainly, contextually, it is true to say that Christ is the source from which the body life of the church flows (He is also, of course, our Commander-in-Chief who directs the course of the church’s life as well as that of individual christians’ lives).

Here is the challenge that many of us as husbands have not adequately considered. Do I accept that I am the spring, the fountainhead of the love that is to flow within the bonds of the marriage relationship, that if the love has dried up God holds me responsible to initiate a new stream of love into the life of the relationship? I am the source, the fountainhead.

Meanwhile, the whole unilateral approach to decision-making goes out the window since husbands are called to adapt themselves to their wives (Mark 10:21, Amplified) in the same measure that wives are asked to adapt themselves to their husbands. I remember taking my wife for her first ride on my motorcycle. I was duly proud of my first bike plus this afforded me the opportunity of some legitimate closeness to her in the pre-girlfriend days. Regrettably, I hadn’t coached her on the appropriate leaning with the rider as we rode into corners together. After a few close calls I finished the ride prematurely so we could talk about the skills of cornering on a bike. We took to the road again and what a difference! Here’s the crunch. The husband has equal responsibility with his wife to follow the law of the pillion. You must give away power (doing things your own way) to have power. You must give away the constant drive to serve self-interest. Lean into your mate and be willing to adapt, adapt, adapt!

In part two, I look forward to revealing more of some of the key lessons for me personally that came the further I delved into this classic passage.